I have thought about this for a long time... It's a duality in loneliness that I can't get away from and I can't get a grip of, I'm trying to put words to it but it's just out if reach. I am talking about being lonely, not about being alone - and how there's a difference and yet they go together.
It's my firm belief that loneliness is something felt on the inside, it's involuntary and uncontrollable. It's sticky and thorny and muddy and intrusive and gritty and grey and gross. Loneliness has a set of standards that must be met before it melts away, conditions that are individual and mostly subconscious.
To be alone, on the other hand, is more a lack of company to interact with on a personal level. It's a cold breeze and a lack of flavor, sometimes it's desired but most times it's not. But it's quite easily fixable.
When I started to have children I wasn't alone at any point in time, and I craved it badly. Now when they're older and spend time with friends and can to a great extent care for themselves - I get that alone time.
And I don't like it.
I hate it with a passion!
The feeling of loneliness increased for me as the feelings of being alone went away, and it hasn't gotten any better. That's how the dynamics between being lonely or alone work - independently from each other yet dependent on one another. And here's where the duality comes in.
On one hand you have the human need for individuality, self sufficiency, to be fully capable without help - most of us are striving to function on our own, and that is also to strive to be ok alone. Right?
On the other hand we constantly develop social skills and seek out companionship and relationships because humans are a social animal and doesn't function optimally alone. Generally speaking.
But if you're alone you don't necessarily feel lonely, just as when you're in company it doesn't mean you don't feel lonely. It is also possible to be in company and feeling alone or being alone and feel as you're in good company, with yourself. It's the feeling of loneliness that is the problematic part. Once you start to feel lonely it takes some real effort to get out of that dark emotional hole, and often you can't do it alone but ut requires an effort from family and friends as well.
That's the duality - to be alone is positive unless it's combined with loneliness, to be in company is also positive unless combined with feeling lonely.
Loneliness is never positive in any combination, and it can only be combated in company with others. Feeling lonely gets cemented if experienced alone.
Do I make sense here?
With this in mind I know how to fight my own sense of loneliness, and perhaps I helped someone else find some insight for themselves too. I've tried to combat it for a very long time, but I've stubbornly tried to do it alone. That obviously doesn't work, and I don't like being alone, so there's that!
I need people and I need them to help just by being supportive of me, encouraging, and showing me how much they value my company. I think that would eliminate most of my loneliness ¹, and I can figure out how to cure the rest along the way.
Sounds like a plan..., and I have cleared up the relationship between loneliness and being alone too. At least for myself.
Thank you for reading this, your support is very important. I appreciate you!
/Annalogue75
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Footnotes
¹) Here's where the infamous RSD kicks in together with anxiety and fear of abandonment - it's why I almost all the time resort to give up my own needs and rather encourage other people's needs and wishes. I prefer they stay with me and are happy and like me than leaving me because I try to be assertive and care about my own needs too. It's a double-edged sword - making other people happy makes me happy, but it also makes my loneliness deeper and darker over time since I have to abandon my own needs to fulfill other's. And the dilemma is - now that I know I need people to combat my deep sense if loneliness - can I combat it and dare to risk being left alone, abandoned, by those I care about, or is it better to have them close but drown in the loneliness I feel inside... I don't know. I wish I could trust people more, trust them to want to be with me, but that's a whole other introspective blogpost to write. /
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