I read an excellent article¹ recently that talked about the issue of poor object permanence, referred to as object constancy in the article, for neurodivergent people, and that's an issue I fight against daily so it interests me to find out more about how it works.
"I am notoriously forgetful when it comes to people. Yes, I have a response to write for a message from my best friend - since Octoberish... So sorry, C! I was surprised today to find my mom messaged me - I haven't thought of her for days, and wouldn't have if she didn't contact me." ²
I want to break this down real quick, but for those interested in a deeper look at this issue I recommend my Medium article about this topic. I will link this article here once it's out - please clap for it! Here it is!
It's important to understand that it's not a matter of knowing versus not knowing that a person (still) exists. Object permanence refers to the developmental stage where the baby finally understand that things and people exist even though they're not seen, heard, or felt by the baby. They're permanent. For many, or most, neurodivergent people like myself it is a matter of actually remember this permanent object or person.
"Out of sight - out of mind" is my reality.
I'm figuring out methods to make it easier to deal with, but haven't found one that doesn't involve other people to adapt to my needs.
Nothing wrong with that, but it's a bit embarrassing to admit I will forget someone's existence unless they keep in contact with me.
It also makes me feel very lonely - the emotional constancy is just as bad as the object one." ²
Imagine your best friend from your childhood, the cashier in the corner store, or your family doctor. Those people aren't always present in your mind, you don't wonder how their days are going or if they slept well - their presence in your mind is brought on by a prompt of some kind or you wouldn't think of or remember them at all. However, your family members, partner, or friends are constantly there somewhere in your mind and you effortlessly think about them throughout a day. See the difference? Well, for me there's no difference.
I don't have that automatic recollection and presence in my mind of the people I care about. That's how lack of or a dysfunctional object permanence/constancy work - people just seemingly stop existing and there's not even a recollection of them... For me it usually takes four or so days without contact for this to happen, so it's not random or immediate, but it's difficult to handle nevertheless. Only them connecting, or external and very obvious prompts brings up their memory, but that isn't guaranteed. I've experienced it with my children when they're at summer camp - yes, I feel terrible about it - and it happens regularly with my mother and my friends. It makes one feel like a really bad person even though it's not something that's under consius control or helped by willpower.
