Forget Me Not

Photo Of A Forget Me Not by Dominik Scythe via Unsplash

Say hello to another round of attempts to explain anxiety, rejection sensitivity, and emotional dysregulation...

The more I discover about the roots of my personal rejection sensitivity the worse the anxiety gets¹. It's a trauma response as much as it is a part of a life that has been built on false premises and now is being reconstructed, I realize that. And most difficult things get worse before they get better, right? I really hope that's true, because the emotional dysregulation together with these two is a brutal combination that encompasses everything.

It's the anxiety around unanswered or delayed answering of text messages that are my worst anxiety trigger - it takes my breath away. But to my surprise "text anxiety " isn't uncommon these days, there's been a whole lot of research done about why it happens and how it affects people in general. This article was a relief to find, since I had been gas-lighting myself to think I'm insane, unreasonable, and all alone in feeling this way. In fact, it's perfectly normal to react with anxiety around text messages, however the strength of my reaction is stronger than for most people thanks to emotional dysregulation and RSD².

The worst part is that I can't really explain the feelings I get without it sounding like I'm accusing others of being insensitive, neglectful, uncaring, disrespectful, or flat out mean. But I don't mean that at all - it is no one's fault that I experience this anxiety. I can't even help it myself. All I can do is find a way to manage it and hopefully soothe it so it doesn't cause such emotional distress. I often use humor as a coping strategy:

What rejection sensitive dysphoria feels like for people with ADHD, a Reel by @adhd_memetherapy on Instagram - because it's sad and funny and true at the same time.

But to heal the trauma I know is a big part of my RSD, and changing my reactive patterns, I need to tell people I connect with about how I get affected by delayed or missing communication and interaction. I really need them to respect my difficulties, cut me some slack, and show me kindness. And as I've said before, to be considerate is really not much to ask for. But to actually ask for it... That is a challenge in itself!

Photo of woman holding yellow petaled flowers by Lina Trochez via Unsplash 

Part of the problem is, as mentioned earlier, how to tell people all of this without being perceived as demanding, controlling, and egocentric - things I fear people will think about me and therefore abandon me. That fear then triggers the rejection sensitivity fueled by emotional dysregulation, leading to more crippling anxiety... A vicious cycle I want to learn to avoid or at least handle better.

To be clear - What I generally fear is that by being assertive and communicate my needs, to stand up for myself, I will make people feel disgusted and become furious with me to the point that they will abandon, ghost, and shun me forever.

It's unreasonable and unrealistic, I know. And I haven't figured out a good way to communicate this either, how that circle of fear always lurks in the background, without triggering my anxiety - because to talk about it could be perceived as self pity, egocentric, and accusatory, and the cycle starts over again...

How I wish I could free myself from these negative cycles - it's however much more difficult than I ever anticipated. To be aware of the problem and have insight in how I function doesn't really help much. It's great that I have both of them, but it doesn't solve anything per se. But I know now that I'm not alone, these are common problems people face when they get a neurodivergent diagnosis as adults. I understand that in time it gets better, one's persona and life foundation are getting rebuilt. It's a comfort to know, not just for me but for everyone around me. It gets better. It must.

Photo of woman standing on grass field by Sasha Freemind via Unsplash 

Though I now know my hard work on myself will pay off, I sometimes find myself thinking about the many years of necessary hard core masking and rigorous emotional repression, and I almost wish I could live in that ignorance again. It was easier in many ways. But it also came with its own set of difficulties, many of which I really, really don't want to experience again. So I'll get back to work on myself again, and you're part of my journey.

Who said life was going to be easy? Tell them to call me, I got a few things to say...

/Annalogue75 

Footnotes:

¹ - That's a whole other article, I'm getting there one of these days.

² - Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria 

— Cross posted on multiple platforms —