"I am aware" - Annalogue75 © Original 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™.
Do you feel seen now? 😁 Good!
Seriously though, to feel seen and actually being seen are something I often think about, but to voice an opinion about it can be very sensitive, so it isn't often discussed. Personally I often feel like I'm not really seen by those that matter to me, or most anyone actually. It's not like I feel invisible, I kind of feel like I'm being brushed over, overlooked, or even that I'm not of value. Trust me, it's very sensitive to bring this up, I have done it on occasion. Even though it's never meant as an accusation, but rather is an observation that could use some analysis, it often comes across as accusatory. What I revert to in these situations is to express my feelings in an indirect way, being passive-aggressive if you so wish, and I repeat myself out of frustration. That in turn leads to other problems, and any discussion tends to end up like a mudslinging fest in kindergarten - and then everyone is maaaaad...
It has been pointed out that I tend to express my dissatisfaction or need for change in a way that comes off as complaining in a whiny and attention seeking manner. I am aware of this.
Now, to express complaints over other's way of complaining isn't something one usually do unless it's crucial for the discussion or the relationship. It's actually rather taboo - unless you're on social media, where all bets are off and anything goes - but it shouldn't be. It's doing a favor really, before the complaints become unbearable and you just shut off. I take it seriously since it affects constructive communication.
It's however important to distinguish between complaining and attention seeking - like in the story of the shepherd yelling "wolf" - and to offer constructive feedback to the complainant if it's a valid issue. Personally I get stuck in complaining mode if I don't feel heard or understood and if I don't get suggestions for solutions or feedback, a reactive pattern I should address rather than use as an excuse. I'm working on it... The best suggestion I've heard so far to avoid these verbal pitfalls is for the listener to ask:
"Do you want to find a solution, or do you just want me to listen?"
That single sentence hold the complaining party accountable, offers pause, shows empathy and support, plus relieves the party asking it of any reason to feel guilty, triggered, or used.
It's so simple yet brilliant.
Not to brag or anything, but as an adult with ADHD I'm somewhat of an expert in ideation. Of the better kind. I thought for most of my life the zoning out and vivid imagination I had was perfectly normal, it just wasn't something people talked about. Now I know better, and I'm so sorry that most of you out there can't really do it.
"Ideation is the process of generating thoughts or suggestions. /.../ This may also refer to a psychological state of fantasy in which the individual imagines in either a creative or destructive way." ¹
The other kind of ideation, the one with destructive and negative thoughts and imaginative visions... I've been there too, but thankfully not for long or in the darkest parts. It's definitely something "we don't talk about" but something that should be talked about more.
I strongly believe we all have those negative and destructive thoughts, perhaps not in the form of ideation but in one way or another. It's a scary place to be and difficult to admit being in, but we will all go there at some point. What's important is that we get out and bring with us a deeper understanding of what we need to get better, be better, feel better. Right?
There are so many things we don't talk about, for various and mostly valid reasons. Those are also the things we need to start talking about - staying quiet shouldn't be an option. Do you agree?
/Annalogue75
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¹) Definition from AlleyDog.com
