You gotta love ADHD

The process to accept and also flourish when you're neurodivergent isn't easy. However, a mindfulness approach helps immensely.

I wrote earlier in a blog - this one - that I would return to the topic of ADHD. This is the return, or rather, it is the first leg of a long journey about blogging about ADHD.

So here we go...

I am slowly accepting that I am not the same as you, and also that it isn't all on me to adapt to the neurotypicals wims, habits, and wishes. I know this intellectually and I feel it more by the day. What also has become more and more apparent over time is, that to be accepted for who you are is more of a given between neurotypicals, but it rarely include those with a neurodivergent brain. We're always the outsiders. Go figure... 

Did that sound salty? Yeah, it is - because the longer I go through the process of getting to know myself as I truly am, and starting to like this person, unmasking myself, and re-evaluating life, the more angry, and sometimes resentful, I get regarding the assumptions that I have to "be more 'normal' and less myself" to be liked, accepted, and loved. Why is that even ok as an idea in any context, let alone as a silent assumption?! Exchange "ADHD" for something else, ethnicity for example - is it still acceptable to assume and behave as if a different etniticity is a flaw and reject the person or their needs because of it? No? I didn't think so...

My brain is never still, never quiet, but always creative and innovative - it's the upside of being neurodiverse, we get the intellectual stuff done quicker.

Let's dedicate this particular blog to Object Permanence, a complex yet straight forward issue, tied to anxiety, depression, and rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), as well as a central component in any personal relationship for a neurodivergent person. Use Google for more about it if you need more detailed information. A quick summary:

Object permanence - to know that an object exists even when you can't experience it with your senses. The object can be anything from an item to a person to a place and more, and you know it exists even though your senses can't directly experience it.

Emotional permanence - same as with an object but in regards to other people's emotions towards yourself. If you can experience it with your senses or have a recent memory of it the emotion is still felt, it exists, and it's remembered.

Both of these are a problem for people with ADHD. We intellectually know you exist when you are out of sight, and we do remember you said you /cared/etc - but only for a little bit, and after that... Yeah, out of sight out of mind. You kind of dissapear from our memory bank, and so does your emotional footprint. The latter can actually disappear even when we interact with a person if they don't regularly express what they feel for us. It's quite uncomfortable when we're aware of it happening, yet unavoidable as a phenomenon on an emotional level.

So for example, to ask something like "Do you love me?" isn't about setting a trap for you by us, we sincerely want to know because we don't remember when or if it was said... And it's not about being needy or self centered, or rude and disrespectful, it's about a poor working memory and a poorly functioning frontal cortex. We have to deal with that reality daily, and we know it requires a whole lot of empathy and adaptation from people around us as well.

"For example, formation of synapses in the frontal cortex peaks during human infancy, and recent experiments using near infrared spectroscopy to gather neuroimaging data from infants suggests that activity in the frontal cortex is associated with successful completion of object permanence tasks." ¹

I can't fully grasp object permanence, including emotional permanence. Because of the surreal experiences that deficit leads to, including RSD and anxiety, it shouldn't be seen as wrong to ask for reasonable accomodations, support, and empathy from friends, family, and loved ones. It's actually in comparison very much like when a physically impaired person needs accomodations. My disability (and this is a true disability, believe me) is invisible though, so just as a diabetic I have to ask to get the help and support I need, that's my responsibility to do and yours to remember. It is really that simple and yet absolutely that difficult.

If you know someone with ADHD, ask them what they need, validate that need and normalize it, give them a break from feeling needy and broken. Make them feel accepted.

This was just the first blog about ADHD out of many more to come. The topic of Object Permanence will surely come up again too, it's kind of a big deal.

/Annalogue75 

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¹) Wikipedia - Object Permanence