Reviewed, Criticised, and Deleted #2

"Memories" by Annalogue75 © Original 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™

This is the last of the first round, so to speak. And as I quickly went through the blogs I felt a little nervous - "What will they think of me?" - and a little excited - "Amazing that this survived for so long, that's so cool!" - but mostly I felt relieved to clean up the blogspace and see that I was remembering correctly (Most days I doubt my brain is keeping accurate score...).

I am not sure if I should add a trigger warning ⚠️ to the following content - but I guess I am now. It's emotional and painful for me to read it, so much to unpack from these blogs, and I know some of you out there will find it difficult reading it too. But rest assured that I am doing much better now (Still being a hot mess though... 😏). To really know I wasn't delusional helps a lot in my own healing. To realize you aren't alone hurting might help in yours, whatever your pain originates from.

You ready? Okay, let's do this...

🔗

The Art Of Non-Conformity » Starting With What You Have 

May 12, 2010

"Read this article!

The Art Of Non-Conformity » Starting With What You Have " *

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* Note that the link leads to a landing page with many options. The original blog post had a broken link, but any of the excellent articles, blogs, and other things on this page is worth reading. 

📃

Since last time 

May 13, 2010

"So what's happened since last time?

A lot has happened, and not much at all... I'm not going to do a chronological walk through, not right now anyway, but life has surely moved along as it usually does. I wish I could say that everything have gone according to plans, but that's really not the case. The laast three years I have just been floating along on the streams of the river of life rather than steared my own ship, if that parable makes any sense. It's actually a pretty good one, I have felt like an autumn leaf in a fast running stream!!

To be blunt, my life right now is nothing of what I expected, wanted, wished for, or would have chosen if I had known. My son is my everything, I have no regrets having him. But the rest have gone sour, and I am in a mess I can't get out of. Earlier I blogged about the need for health care insurance for immigrants, well the story is bigger and more complex than that. I would recommend not to immigrate to Canada at all unless one have everything waiting here upon arrival - a job and work visa, a place to stay with decent standard, insurance of course, and a solid network. I have nothing of this, and I am a prisoner of my own situation.

Until I have a residentship I can't work, travel, be sick (unless I pay), own or rent a place to stay, have my own bank account, get credit or buy anything that requires income, credit and/or insurance (a car for example). I have no real network, only aquaintances and my boyfriend. And I regret giving up my lifestyle and standard without making sure I had something similar here. So today, and most days, I cry a bit when the night comes, I feel lonely and desperate, and without hope. I hoped and wished my partner would understand what I sacrificed for him and step up and work towards us having all of that together. I lost my hope a while back, no reason, I just ran out. I no longer wish for things that I am not sure I'll get, like sunshine in the summer, that I can wish for still... I just am, I exist, I love my baby boy endlessly, and I am slowly shrinking... One day I'll dissapear completely.

That's what's been going on since last time. Not much, but everything."

📚

Have to stop reading!!

June 2, 2010

"Think I have to stop reading questions and discussions on Circle Of Mom's... I just get upset and want to give everyone looong answers (oh well, some just deserves a short "wtf grow up!!"). Or should I write my comments here maybe...?"

✍️

Just another day...

September 11, 2010

"Where is it written in stone that once a couple have kids and live together all of the responsibilities of the household lands on the mother?

Please, enlighten me... I really need to know - so I can kick that stone to dust!!

Today, as an example, this is what happens...

Baby and I get up, somewhat late, and do what we always do - make tea, turn on a movie (either Footlose or Empire Records), and we slowly come to life. Then there is diaper change, breakfast, another diaper change, getting dressed, and some running around.

We woke up the boyfriend and waited for him to get dressed, and then off to the mall we went. After the mall father and son went home and I ran some quick errands downtown.

Nothing weird or bad so far, a pretty good day. But when I come home I see the son still have his shoes on, and clearly haven't got a new diaper yet. I deal with that. I see the bags from the mall spread out over the kitchen counter, I deal with that. I see stuff from a purse on the kitchen floor, I deal with that and find the purse. I make some coffee, get a migraine, I put out ant traps, gave our son some juice, and felt some panic about making dinner.

What does my partner do? He plays computer games online. Yes. He didn't even say Hi when I came home, didn't get up or greeted me at all. I felt invisible.

I asked, as I always do, if it was ok if I took a 30 minute nap and if he could wake me up. He says ok, and I go for my nap. Almost an hour later I wake up by myself and stumble downstairs, asking him why he didn't wake me up (not that I minded a longer nap, but still...). His answer? He didn't know what time it was when I went for the nap, so he didn't keep track of time. Ok, thanks... And I was wondering if the baby had his dinner while I was sleeping, since it was after 8 pm by now. No, no dinner for baby. Boyfriend wasn't thinking about it since we had a late lunch at the mall. I mumble that children do need 3 meals a day, plus snacks, even if we don't. So I deal with the dinner with a crying, tired, and very hungry baby running around. I keep him company while he's eating dinner, clean up after, and take a long sad look at the mountain of dishes in the kitchen. Then I deal with putting filters in the vents upstairs.

What does the boyfriend do? He plays computer games online. Yes. Still. Then he goes to get ready to go out and leaves. I am alone again with our wide awake son, and it is 9.30 pm. I am hungry, tired, and all the things that need to get done overwhelm me, again. The baby falls asleep, after a long and brave battle against the sleepyness, at 1.30 am. I decide to leave what should get done to tomorrow, I make some pasta, I have a coffee, I glance at Facebook. And I think to myself, why do I do this when it makes me so sad, makes me feel sick, gives me migraines?

Tomorrow will be a variation of this, every day is a variation of this. I deal with it, I wonder why, but I deal with all the stuff that happens every day.

I. deal. with. it.

Not we, I do it.

And I am close to being fed up with it. And when or if I get there, I will get up and leave the scene. I have to, for my health and for my sanity and for my son. I hope I have the guts to follow through, I hope I never have to find that out."

👟👟

October is S.I.D.S. awareness month

October 1, 2010

"As a mother I feel it urgent and necessary and overwhelmingly important to spread the information about S.I.D.S., Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Cannot imagine what it must be like to go through the sorrow and pain losing a child, I don't want to know!! Be aware of the risks, protect the little ones as much as possible. Love them endlessly. Hug and kiss them often!!"

👶🏼

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Wow... It's like finding a hidden diary you forgot you ever wrote. Pasting these last few blogs here I felt unsure if I really should share this, but I also think it's important to be real and authentic - and show you that you're not alone. Therefore I am sharing these blogs with you all, so you understand where I'm coming from and that...

You're not alone. Know this!

I feel like there's a lot more to unpack, analyze, and hopefully resolve than I can do here and now. I will definitely get back to it and write more about my experiences and life - past, present, and future. Can't say when, but I am working on myself these days so it's likely sometime soon. 

Until then, and next time...

Stay safe!

/Annalogue75 

A new beginning

"Muse" by Annalogue75 © Original 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™

I had a feeling this October that it is time to restart this blog. So I started it up again, soft and carefully. I have so much to say, so many thoughts in my head, but no one to share them with in my every day life. That would be the purpose - to speak from the heart and be heard. Perhaps someone can recognize themselves and feel less alone.

Previous restarts of other blogs and newsletters haven't been long lasting, it's not easy to pinpoint why. Maybe it's destiny, maybe it's dopamine...? 😆

Well, we'll see what happens this time...
For this restart and a hope to reach out and be heard the following lyrics can stand as symbol:

Start Again
By Death Cab For Cutie

I don't know if you can hear me
I'm feeling down and can't think clearly
Even though it's complicated
We've got time to start again
I don't know if you can hear me

I'm sorry for the things I've said
But some thoughts just won't leave my head
Even though it's complicated
We've got time to start again
I don't know if you can hear me

Some things I'd change but it's too late
I'd take the past and make it straight
Even though it's complicated
We've got time to start again
I don't know if you can hear me

Even though it's complicated
We've got time to start again
I don't know if you can hear me

---

Next up is #2 of the old blog entries... Ready?!

/Annalogue75 

———

Start Again

By Death Cab For Cutie

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Norman George Blake

Start Again lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Warner Chappell Music, Inc

Reviewed, Criticised, and Deleted #1

"Brain Dump" by Annalogue75 © Original 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™

Before the restart or rejuvenation of this Blogger blog I read through the posts I made in the past - I don't know what or IF I was thinking... 😂

I really have no defense. But I do have a good sense of humor and the ability to laugh at my own silliness. That's too uncommon these days, unfortunately.

Before I remove those old posts completely, they're just collecting dust as drafts anyway, I thought I could document them as a blogpost. Mostly because I'm stickly about preserving information but almost as much because I find it amusing to see how much I have changed in my writing, thoughts, and perspectives.

As there are a number of posts, though not especially lengthy, I am dividing this reposting in two blogs. This is #1, of course.

So here they are, my first blogs on Blogger. Let's start with the oldest first...

⏳

A start

May 9, 2009

"So..., this is the first post.

Nothing fancy, overwhelming or extremely interesting - just a start of this version of my blog.

Knowing that Swedish isn't the most well known language on this planet, I felt the need to do an english version of my blog.

The words may not be exactly the same, maybe not even the topics. But the author, the brain, and the heart behind them both are the same.

This will be grand!!

Awesome!!

So..., this was the first post. Ok. Good... It's done.

I think I'll have a coffee now."

☕

Old age

May 14, 2009

"I am getting old... I know this because I am deadly tired and sleepy and will go to bed in a few - and it's not even 11 pm!!

I could blame it on nursing, on The Baby and his obcenely early morning habits, or on The Other Half for something/anything/whatever... But the truth is - I am getting old...

Gaaaahhh!"

👵🏼

Friday night fun

May 15, 2009

"It's friday night, almost saturday now, and it's a long weekend. I am making a swedish dish with salmon.

I have mixed the salt, sugar, white pepper, and chopped the dill, mixed it, cut the fish, trimmed it, seasoned it, packed it in foile, and put it in the fridge... Chopping the dill was hard work - was supposed to need two packs but the one I bought was huge, and only half I used. Bored me silly to chop it, and then realizing I need more for the sauce! One of the sauces that is, what I need for the other one I don't know. My mum would know. She know about this stuff. I miss my mum, especially now... I have to call her tomorrow, and ask all about sauces to salmon.

Did I say it is friday night? I am getting old and boring - and the only cure is shoe shopping, that is something I know! Have to do that asap, before it's too late..."

🛍️

Tips from the coach 1

June 2, 2009

"As an immigrant in a country other than big brother Sweden you need to consider and fix everything yourself. And yes, it's a lot to think about, and one must keep a cool head in the meantime, otherwise one will easily become hysterical ... 

Just take this with healthcare - damned good system it is in Sweden, really! 

If you are moving to Canada, it is not only to become ill or so just like that, oh no! A visit to a local emergency clinic costs about 650 swedish crowns, excluding tests and follow-up visits. Dental care is a bit cheaper, I repaired a loose filling for about 800 swedish crowns including everything, and it was an emergency visit also. Specialty health care, we should not even talk about it... Extremely costly and enormously complicated! 

I became pregnant almost at the same time that I landed here, so I can tell the most horrific things about how one get treated as an insurance-less immigrant here. But I'll spare you the details for the moment. 

What I want to tell you right now is what to think about before a long term stay or move to this part of the world - Ontario, Canada, to be more precise. 

1.Get a great long-term insurance (at least one year validity) covering everything - and I mean everything! 

Make sure that this insurance covers dental care, hospital care, doctors, specialists, eyeglasses, medication, accidents, diseases of all kinds, medical testing, rehabilitation, pregnancy, disability aids, follow-up visits and everything else that has to do with health. 

Forget Försäkringskassan (Swedish state insurance) - they provide no compensation for anything that happens or is going on here. There is no agreement with this part of Canada ... 

2. Look up family doctors as soon as it is human possible - do not wait until it's needed. You need a family doctor for everything here, and most do not accept new patients or have year-long waiting lists for new patients. In principle, no doctor accept someone who does not have an insurance of any kind, and many do not accept patients without social security number (which takes forever to get ...). 

3. Be sure to have money to pay for everything with. Usually caregivers want to get paid in advance or against an invoice! 

I myself have spent around 35 000 swedish crowns for health care and other care surrounding my pregnancy, and then I had an easy pregnancy! Only now, more than a year after I immigrated, I have a family doctor - and he accepted me just because I am so healthy and most likely will not need any care for the foreseeable future ... Apparently, there are masses of paperwork for the doctors if you need care but do not have insurance, and who doesn't want to avoid that? 

4. Finally, you can count on having to run around a lot if you need something special when it comes to health care. And I mean a bloody running around! Imagine this: 

You should always first go to the family doctor to talk about the problems, and he wants you to take some samples of blood or so. Samples are taken in a lab, usually there is a lab in the nearest emergency care clinic. Then the doctor need to look at the results, which is a new mission there. Is it necessary to get X-rayed or so, he must refer to a place that does that, and then you take a new turn with the results to the doctor... Then he referres to a specialist, who usually want to do all that with the tests all over again, and that means a new trip to the lab. All in all, it may take weeks before you have had your care - and that is if you've fixed everything with the insurance and such things beforehand, and can pay for yourself in each place. Do you now realize what a good system Sweden has? 

Now of course I still had a hell of luck here, I met so many wonderful people who helped me and guided me around in the system early. But I miss the simplicity of Sweden, the Health care clinics are fantastic creations! I will come back to my personal journey through the Canadian health care system, but for now it is enough ... Now I'll turn on some coffee!"

🧬

Carrots

June 3, 2009

[ Pic Removed ]

"This is my son, Nathan. He is four months and one week old.

He's eating carrots.

Carrots are yummy!

They are especially good on the forehead.

Mmm..., carrots!"

🥕

Rear facing or front facing car seat? Important information...

May 12, 2010

"YouTube video about the importance of the use of proper car seats.

Really good and not scary or so, I promise.

Watch it!!

—

YouTube Video about extended rear facing for children *

—

My son will be rear facing for as long as possible, preferebly to age 4!!

No discussion. End of story."

 *) The YouTube added to this post is NOT the video that originally was posted, that YouTube video no longer exists. The video added has the same message as the original one and is short and on point.

🚗

Number two of this little collection will follow as soon as I possibly can.

Until then... 👋

/Annalogue75 

Housekeeping & Loose Ends

"Still Here" by Annalogue75 © 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™ for 11.11.23.

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Earlier this year I did a revamp and restart of the blogs and newsletters I have with Medium and Substack. Given the circumstances it was a big deal and I kept it going with some regularity for months! Anyone that know what circumstances I am referring to would agree, no doubt, and those that don't know just have to trust me on this.

#ifyouknowyouknow

By the way, feel free to check out my other media - there's a Linktree for that... And I assume you will subscribe, like, follow, or do whatever you can to boost me on each site. I mean it, it would matter a lot if you do.

#thankyousomuch

Now to the real topic - housekeeping and loose ends. I thought I could handle an intense creativity schedule and time-sensitive publications if it all was structured and I gave it my full attention. Yeah..., it didn't work out, and I had to slow down and regroup.

So many other people and things need my attention - and I need my own attention too. The latter is a new experience for me, I'm undecided if I like it or not. But it is necessary to do no matter what, and will continue to be needed for some time to come. To accomodate the needs but also nurish my creativity the I've decided to go about the content creation something like this:

— No regular and scheduled publications.

— No pressure to produce content.

— Focus on quality before quantity.

— Develop more and better skills.

— Create for expression, not attention.

— Recreate and refine my own style.

— Find joy and inspiration again.

— Be more assertive and trust my gut.

Yeah, I think that gives you a good picture of the housekeeping I'm doing and have done so far. It's a process - and it's part of the journey. That reminds me, who says that a lot...?

#youknowwhoyouare 😁

Until next time... 👋

/Annalogue75 

This Is MY House Now Bitches!

In my opinion it is always nice to start off with something pretty or eye-catching, this is no exception. Welcome to my Blogger!

'The Eye' was made by Annalogue75 © via Creative Fabrica Spark™, 2023.

—

This Blogger is actually a rediscovery, it started in 2009 but I only posted a few shorter notes. We all know shorter notes aren't really my thing, so naturally it didn't work out. Then.

Dearest Blogger,

It wasn't you, it was me... 😆

I archived the little notes, but I am definitely keeping the name! LOVE this name... How could I forg... Oh, yeah. The ADHD...

Let me get back to you on that one. I also like the personal style it had, so I will keep that too, this is now my little therapy blog so to speak. Gordon knows I need it!! 😏

I am not going to do a cheezy "since we last..." blah blah blah. Nah, I will start from right here and right now. I will take this opportunity to use my own words and my own thoughts, emotions, ideas, and whatever else comes to mind - uncensored and outspoken.

Disclaimer time! Don't DM me your opinion about my opinion, your feelings about my emotions, your corrections of my thoughts, your critique about presented facts, giving me lectures to disprove common sense, or your complaints about the content, and never ever, let me emphasize this - NEVER EVER - threaten me or my family and friends. If you do, and this is some genuinely good advice, in the words of The Queen...

'Queen of Hearts Off With Their Heads' by Jesse Draws

—

Everyone good with that? Okey. Excellent!

Let's move on with this... Introduction? I don't know what this Blogger is, but if you're still reading I'm doing something right and it's about time to get real.

Vamonos! 

Are you coming...?

/Annalogue75