Part 2 of 2, kick off your shoes and take a seat so we can finish this.
When 2023 started I was in decent shape overall despite what had been going on, but it lasted no longer than three months. Then the other shoe fell and everything was turned on its head.
April was the divider. Not many know just how bad it was for me. Not many ever will.
There's an before and an after April 2023, that's how significant it was for me. You don't need the details, and you won't get any. Let's just say, everything was grey.
I am getting ahead of the storyline here, excuse me. Let's rewind to October/November 2022 and two significant events. The first one was the novelty of being the object of desire, a quite pleasant experience that started as a nice surprise but quickly became toxic. The second was my ADHD diagnosis, something I had suspected for a few years but the confirmation still came as a surprise to me. I was actually quite excited at first - finally I got an explanation to my weirdness! Over time it shifted to be a burden of sorts, and one more reason I feel like I am in many ways on the outside of life, looking in. It's complicated... Or as Shrek™ would have explained it - I'm like an onion, I have layers.
Following the winter came a turbulent time with a deep dive into depression, heightened anxiety, hit after hit of RSD¹, and so many of my ADHD symptoms coming up to the surface. The most significant changes happened right after April, no real surprise there, in the aftermath of that one destructive event.
All that was on a personal level - on a different note I was still dealing with the aftermath of being shunned from the organization I helped build (See part one for more details). It was all these little pop-ups of mean gossip and attempts of online bullying that kept on happening, a never ending display of hate and destructive forces directed at myself and others. It's exhausting to deal with - and annoying, very frustrating too.
This escalated during the summer and in August a scathing article dropped in a major publication. Who was painted as a mean and nasty gal you think...? Yeeees! I wasn't alone being thrown under the bus, I wasn't even the main character, but it lead to a series of events that hurt me on many levels, mostly on the personal one.
During the summer I also lost a dear friend to cancer. I am still processing that loss, it's a profound grief and it has left me feeling emotionally raw and on edge. #loveyou
The year haven't been all bad though, nothing is ever completely bad or good. I dared to try online dating and met some really cool human beings - of the male kind.
A few quickly became friends. But then there is this one special person... I would love to elaborate, but I'm quite sure it wouldn't be appreciated or appropriate at this time. I might get back to it at some point. It was an delete-all-O.L.D.-profiles meeting, that's for sure.
I also started a journey of self reflection and improvement - partially because of the month of April, but also because of an increasing need for support around ADHD. I started counseling to sort myself out, and inspired by that someone special I started CBT² to deal with old and new psychological needs. Both of these therapies are still going on, but are close to the end. And they have made a big difference. There was a very dark period up until recently and then a shift happened. It's been awhile since I felt this calm and hopeful, my eyes are open and I see things I couldn't before. So yeah, therapy works.
To round up this year I want to say that I am going into 2024 with new goals, dreams, and perspectives. I've learned hard lessons, seen the ugly and the beautiful, felt fear, grief, and despair, but also hope, joy, and love. I don't do New Years resolutions but I know things are different now and will continue to change for the better - because now I know I can do it, I want to become the best I can be, and I have new energy and motivation to move forward and create a good life for myself and my loved ones.
To those that have had my back and supported me in my journey - thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you.
To all the rest... LOL just watch me.
With love, much humor, and wishes of a Happy New Year to you all! ✨🎉✨
/Annalogue75
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¹) Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
²) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
