Wearing the shoes given, not fitted #2

"Favorites" by Annalogue75 © Original 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™

Part 2 of 2, kick off your shoes and take a seat so we can finish this.

When 2023 started I was in decent shape overall despite what had been going on, but it lasted no longer than three months. Then the other shoe fell and everything was turned on its head.

April was the divider. Not many know just how bad it was for me. Not many ever will.

There's an before and an after April 2023, that's how significant it was for me. You don't need the details, and you won't get any. Let's just say, everything was grey.

I am getting ahead of the storyline here, excuse me. Let's rewind to October/November 2022 and two significant events. The first one was the novelty of being the object of desire, a quite pleasant experience that started as a nice surprise but quickly became toxic. The second was my ADHD diagnosis, something I had suspected for a few years but the confirmation still came as a surprise to me. I was actually quite excited at first - finally I got an explanation to my weirdness! Over time it shifted to be a burden of sorts, and one more reason I feel like I am in many ways on the outside of life, looking in. It's complicated... Or as Shrek™ would have explained it - I'm like an onion, I have layers.

Following the winter came a turbulent time with a deep dive into depression, heightened anxiety, hit after hit of RSD¹, and so many of my ADHD symptoms coming up to the surface. The most significant changes happened right after April, no real surprise there, in the aftermath of that one destructive event. 

"The Many Faces Of Me" by Annalogue75 © Original via Creative Fabrica Spark™

All that was on a personal level - on a different note I was still dealing with the aftermath of being shunned from the organization I helped build (See part one for more details). It was all these little pop-ups of mean gossip and attempts of online bullying that kept on happening, a never ending display of hate and destructive forces directed at myself and others. It's exhausting to deal with - and annoying, very frustrating too.

This escalated during the summer and in August a scathing article dropped in a major publication. Who was painted as a mean and nasty gal you think...? Yeeees! I wasn't alone being thrown under the bus, I wasn't even the main character, but it lead to a series of events that hurt me on many levels, mostly on the personal one.

During the summer I also lost a dear friend to cancer. I am still processing that loss, it's a profound grief and it has left me feeling emotionally raw and on edge. #loveyou

The year haven't been all bad though, nothing is ever completely bad or good. I dared to try online dating and met some really cool human beings - of the male kind.

A few quickly became friends. But then there is this one special person... I would love to elaborate, but I'm quite sure it wouldn't be appreciated or appropriate at this time. I might get back to it at some point. It was an delete-all-O.L.D.-profiles meeting, that's for sure. 

I also started a journey of self reflection and improvement - partially because of the month of April, but also because of an increasing need for support around ADHD. I started counseling to sort myself out, and inspired by that someone special I started CBT² to deal with old and new psychological needs. Both of these therapies are still going on, but are close to the end. And they have made a big difference. There was a very dark period up until recently and then a shift happened. It's been awhile since I felt this calm and hopeful, my eyes are open and I see things I couldn't before. So yeah, therapy works. 

To round up this year I want to say that I am going into 2024 with new goals, dreams, and perspectives. I've learned hard lessons, seen the ugly and the beautiful, felt fear, grief, and despair, but also hope, joy, and love. I don't do New Years resolutions but I know things are different now and will continue to change for the better - because now I know I can do it, I want to become the best I can be, and I have new energy and motivation to move forward and create a good life for myself and my loved ones. 

To those that have had my back and supported me in my journey - thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you.

#youknowwhoyouare

To all the rest... LOL just watch me.

#ifyouknowyouknow

With love, much humor, and wishes of a Happy New Year to you all! ✨🎉✨

/Annalogue75 

---

¹) Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

²) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 

Rejected, Sensitive, and Dysphoric

"Invisible pain" by Annalogue75 © Original, 2023, via Creative Fabrica Spark™

I believe the first time I got hit with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and the anxiety that accompanies it I thought it was just heartbreak - I was about 20, and a two year long relationship ended. At least I think that was the first time, I can't remember experiencing that specific feeling before that. But it's possible it reared its ugly head earlier in life, absolutely. Actually, it probably did, but perhaps not as strong and overwhelming.

No matter how many times I try to find a good description of RSD and emotional dysregulation I really can't bring it justice. It's a level of distress, pain, and anxiety that I never thought I would experience. Not only because I had never really heard about it before this year (2023) but also because I've never had this level of "negative" emotions in my life. It's like being ripped apart inside, and just trying to describe it now I start to feel it. /Excuse me for a bit.../

"I scream" by Annalogue75 © Original 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™

Anxiety is a big part of this emotional Molotov cocktail, and in my life it has been around for as far as I can remember, I just didn't know what it was or what to call it. But it was there, and it is still here with me. The same thing with depression, I don't know any other way of living but with depression and anxiety as annoying but familiar entities, always by my side. I don't know if ADHD created them, or if they would have existed without the neurological swamp ADHD creates - I am kinda leaning towards it being both. So with that fine mix it is no wonder I can have RSD that takes my breath away!

#ifyouknowyouknow and I am so sorry... 

Science and current knowledge says that social rejection - even if it's vague, uncertain, or something just perceived as - causes similar brain activity as if one experience physical pain. This is the reason why we feel heartbreak and grief as something physically painful, it's the same type of brain activity involved. A person with ADHD have weaknesses in the brain structure that processes cognitive input - so it is natural to assume they feel these emotions more intensely and to the point of (severe) physical pain.

I assume that the (dis)ability to have a difference in brain function also plays a role in how strong depressive and anxious emotions can feel. It's on such a level for me some days that most people think I'm being dramatic when I try to describe them. Well, newsflash - It's NOT my fault and it IS physically painful.

Perhaps it is time for the people around me, and around anyone with ADHD and RSD, time for them to act in such a manner that they don't trigger these negative emotional tornadoes? Do you agree?

Now y'all can't say y'all didn't know, right!? You're welcome 🤠

/Annalogue75 

🎄 Merry Christmas 🎄

Dearest reader,

I wish you a very Merry Christmas with a hope of a return of joy and love and light.

You are important.

Be well.

/Annalogue75 

Wearing the shoes given, not fitted #1

"If they fit" - Annalogue75 © Original 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™.

If life was a person it would be rolling on the floor laughing about the bizarre twists and turns this year and the last took. The unpacking, repairing, and rebuilding I have done isn't what I would consider funny - but maybe from another perspective it's amusing, and perhaps in time I can see that too.

"You can't make this shit up!"

Truer words have never been spoken... I wish I was joking, but nope, I am not. As the end of 2023 is around the corner I thought a summary of my year could be entertaining... Uhh hum, for you that is, I'm still processing it. I'll throw in some background information, just because it's needed.

"Make it make sense."

That was a mantra I repeated daily in 2022, just as the year before. I've continued repeating it throughout this year, with exception for the month of April. That month was exceptional, and not in a good way. And the world is still just as unpredictable and senseless, nothing really changes.

"See What I See" by Annalogue75 © Original, 2023, via Creative Fabrica Spark™

It was in the second half of 2020 the little snow flake fell that would be the start of a giant avalanche, bringing the mountain down with it. As many others I struggled with my mental health during the lockdown, and as I dealt with that my eyes was also opened for the situation I was in. Thanks to modern medicine I got back my energy, my spark, and a drive that I thought I had lost forever, so I started to prepare for a better life for myself and my children. Then Cuomo Gate started... 

I can't deny that the whole media psychosis that developed in 2021, and the irrationally dysphoric politicians and officials coming out like locust from the woodwork wasn't at least a little bit (a lot) entertaining and somewhat (a lot) inspirational to pick a fight with. Some of us that saw what was really happening, that it was built on lies and egos, we gathered in a group and created a movement and community to fight for the facts, truth, and justice. Yeah, our heads were sooooo big... 

Fast forward to late 2021, early 2022, and the group I co-founded was the biggest and most active supporter group for Governor Andrew M Cuomo. We had only his best interest in mind - that was my conviction and flaming sword. Oh boy, I was so wrong. So wrong!

I mean, the vast majority of the members, and at least a few of us on the board, were really in it because we believed we fought the good fight. We believed we could indeed change the public narrative, present situation, and influence major societal change.

Did I mention how big our heads were...?

"Never, never, never give up!" *

With a few exceptions our organization and the Cuomo Community were, and the Community still is, built and run by honest, intelligent, educated women with big, warm hearts and a burning desire to be the change. But when the idiotic documentary came into play..., oh lordy...! The summer of 2022 turned into a very stressful and confusing time. In hindsight the documentary was mostly wishful thinking, but many of us thought for the longest time it was a legitimate process happening - and we just had to "trust the process."

Yeah, don't do that. Trust your gut.

On a completely different and more personal note - my relationships throughout 2022 were... not good either. A former partner made life difficult just because he had issues with a row of things, me included. And during the late summer I found out who my true friends and allies were. The biggest effect and event was when I was removed and shunned from the organization I had been part of building up. The effects were huge on many levels, and over a year later, in the late autumn of 2023, it was clear I still lived rent free in a number of people's heads. I am sure they know about these blogs by now... 

#IfYouKnowYouKnow 

#BringIt #CantTouchThis

In the late months of 2022 a new experience for me took place - I was persued by a man, a much younger man... It was both confusing and wonderful at the same time, I've never been popular so I admit that I was flattered. But I refused to fully engage in it emotionally, but lost that battle in early 2023... 

What has gone down during 2023 deserve its own blog all together, so keep your eyes open for Part 2...

/Annalogue75 

---

* Winston Churchill 

Don't ask - I won't tell

"Time portal" - Annalogue75 © Original 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™.

I'm not talking about inappropriate, rude or intrusive questions. I'm talking about those that have no answer, have no meaning, and/or are unnecessary. Let me explain my line of thought...

💭

I favor open-ended questions about most things, including clarification and follow up questions. Many times "simple" yes-or-no questions are impossible to really answer, there's a complexity in life that really doesn't do well with such simplified responses.

But there are times when it is the open-ended questions that causes the real trouble. One example is the dreaded job interview question -

"Say x positive/negative things about yourself." 😬

How can anyone really answer that?!

"Can I use 'Call A Friend'?" is my knee jerk response - clever but not always, rarely, almost never, the smartest... 😏 I don't think I've ever actually given a straight answer to that or similar questions. 

🤷🏼‍♀️

Another doozy line of questions are those general ones about the past. People want to know about my childhood, or my 20's...?! Uhm..., I don't know. Maybe I was born just yesterday, fully grown and with children? Because I don't remember specific times or events or situations. Unless you give me a prompt first, purposely or inadvertently, I have general amnesia. So just don't, ok. No questions about my 7th birthday or how I liked high school. Because I don't know, it's like it never happened. And for a significant portion of my childhood that is for the best, trust me.

🎓

Finally I would like to push for abolishing any questions about what I want, need, think, or feel before everyone else involved have said their piece.

I know, I know, I got to work on my assertiveness and all that. But I don't really feel as if my wants, needs, thoughts, or feelings are any less important, I'm just flexible and willing to compromise and adjust so everyone is as happy as possible, myself included.

I know, I know, I'm just that weird... I'll get back to the assertiveness and all that in a later blog (I had an epiphany about that! lol).

I am not saying I'm incredibly altruistic, because I do care and push for my own agenda for my own benefit just like everyone else. But I do it behind the scenes and very subtle. I don't see why any of that is a big deal, so I don't make it one.

So if I signal that anyone else but me should have a say before I speak, then please don't push it! It's annoying... It's disrespectful... It's unnecessary waste of time... 

I wonder if others have thought about this?

/Annalogue75 

A Gentle Reminder

"Xmas Chaos" by Annalogue75 © Original 2023/24 via Creative Fabrica Spark™ and InShot™

I felt the quote below so strong I had to write something about it as I shared the original post done by ADDitude on LinkedIn. I will never understand why it is so difficult to understand the differences and difficulties we have due to ADHD. It should be easy, especially for family and friends. But it's really difficult since it's invisible and because of our ADHD masking. It makes us feel even more like outsiders and not as good as the rest of you people. It can't be talked about enough!

This is what I spontaneously wrote as I shared this post and article...

“ADHD doesn't always look like a kid who can't stay still and is bouncing out of their seat. Sometimes it means feeling completely overwhelmed with the world around you and all the things you are supposed to accomplish within it, and feeling like a failure because everyone seems to be able to do things you can't."

Article in ADDitudemag

So often, actually mostly, I feel like this. Both regarding doing things and regarding interpersonal communication and relationships.

"Everyone else" can but I can never.."

Then I look around and find the same "everyone" battling their own wars, failing when doing their best, losing in relationships, not being as put together and efficient as they want you to see. We're basically all the same.

We all do our best, and the generalization is so damaging, especially when we think we need to find our value by comparing ourselves to others. Sometimes we just NEED to have a meltdown, pull up our bloomers, and get right back at it again - never losing the sight of our goal, ready to act and move forward again.

After that the neurotypical "everyone" crowd surely judges us, we think -"meltdowns are weaknesses", "you are not worthy of our attention", "no goals, no grit, just baby tears, you're one big fail" and so we begin the dance again...

Just remember, you're not alone. We're everywhere and we see you, we feel that too, we know. And you can do it. Promise!

Happy Holidays,

Annalogue75 

Once upon a blue moon

"Moon Gazer" by Annalogue75 © Original 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™

Anyone else ever thought they came from outer space and had accidentally been left behind on planet Earth, now waiting to be brought "home" again?

No? No one?

Just me? 😬

Well alrighty then...

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly: what is essential is invisible to the eye.” - The Fox ("The Little Prince")

When I was almost four years old there was a lunar eclipse, and I was allowed to watch it. I still remember what I was thinking about and the painfully sad feeling I had in my stomach.

I can't remember what I did all last week, but I remember my fantasies as a four year old. Go figure... Thanks ADHD.

The lunar eclipse of September 6, 1979. Infographic courtesy of NASA. 

I remember sitting by my little child sized table on my little child sized chair, or perhaps stool. It was placed by my window, and I saw the eclipse from there. My memory says that I was alone, but more likely my mom or dad was right behind me, looking at the moon through the window too.

The feeling in my body at that moment I can't really explain, it was a mix of joy, awe, feeling small, and feeling..., abandoned?!

Yes, I felt very alone, sad, and abandoned, that I remember clearly. I remember looking at the moon - wondering where my real parents were and hoping they could "hear me" and were on their way back to pick me up. I felt so distraught that they forgot me, and that I had to stay "here" (aka my home) when I just really wanted to go (to my real) home because I didn't fit in.

I was not even four years old, and that was on my mind!? I was three years and ten months old, to be more precise.

Imagine, there are people out there thinking I'm a nutcase now. People..., I started being cray cray way before many of you were even BORN! 😆

"Alone" by Annalogue75 © Original 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™

Perhaps this is why I really could identify with the boy in "The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry and later in my teens fell in love with the book "Momo" by Michael Ende. The bigger implications for me personally in feeling so strongly about these two pieces of litterature didn't dawn on me until decades later, meaning until just now. 🫣

I'll have to make that a blog on its own!

What I have understood so far is that these two books are perfect examples of stories that speaks to many different people, but has elements that are of special interest for those of us that are neurodiverse:

- The little Prince is often said to be autistic, and it's an interpretation that makes sense to me.

- Momo and the understimulation and boredom amongst children is right on point with how a neurodiverse person often feels. In my not so humble opinion, of course.

Read them and see if you recognize these interpretations, just for fun.

My interpretation falls back on that I think I knew I was different long before I had the words for it. And I really wish I had known what I know now much sooner. Life would have been so different - and perhaps I could have liked myself with all my flaws.

"But time is life itself, and life resides in the human heart. And the more people saved, the less they had." - Michael Ende ("Momo")

Until next time...

/Annalogue75