"Memories" by Annalogue75 © Original 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™
This is the last of the first round, so to speak. And as I quickly went through the blogs I felt a little nervous - "What will they think of me?" - and a little excited - "Amazing that this survived for so long, that's so cool!" - but mostly I felt relieved to clean up the blogspace and see that I was remembering correctly (Most days I doubt my brain is keeping accurate score...).
I am not sure if I should add a trigger warning ⚠️ to the following content - but I guess I am now. It's emotional and painful for me to read it, so much to unpack from these blogs, and I know some of you out there will find it difficult reading it too. But rest assured that I am doing much better now (Still being a hot mess though... 😏). To really know I wasn't delusional helps a lot in my own healing. To realize you aren't alone hurting might help in yours, whatever your pain originates from.
You ready? Okay, let's do this...
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The Art Of Non-Conformity » Starting With What You Have
May 12, 2010
"Read this article!
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* Note that the link leads to a landing page with many options. The original blog post had a broken link, but any of the excellent articles, blogs, and other things on this page is worth reading.
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Since last time
May 13, 2010
"So what's happened since last time?
A lot has happened, and not much at all... I'm not going to do a chronological walk through, not right now anyway, but life has surely moved along as it usually does. I wish I could say that everything have gone according to plans, but that's really not the case. The laast three years I have just been floating along on the streams of the river of life rather than steared my own ship, if that parable makes any sense. It's actually a pretty good one, I have felt like an autumn leaf in a fast running stream!!
To be blunt, my life right now is nothing of what I expected, wanted, wished for, or would have chosen if I had known. My son is my everything, I have no regrets having him. But the rest have gone sour, and I am in a mess I can't get out of. Earlier I blogged about the need for health care insurance for immigrants, well the story is bigger and more complex than that. I would recommend not to immigrate to Canada at all unless one have everything waiting here upon arrival - a job and work visa, a place to stay with decent standard, insurance of course, and a solid network. I have nothing of this, and I am a prisoner of my own situation.
Until I have a residentship I can't work, travel, be sick (unless I pay), own or rent a place to stay, have my own bank account, get credit or buy anything that requires income, credit and/or insurance (a car for example). I have no real network, only aquaintances and my boyfriend. And I regret giving up my lifestyle and standard without making sure I had something similar here. So today, and most days, I cry a bit when the night comes, I feel lonely and desperate, and without hope. I hoped and wished my partner would understand what I sacrificed for him and step up and work towards us having all of that together. I lost my hope a while back, no reason, I just ran out. I no longer wish for things that I am not sure I'll get, like sunshine in the summer, that I can wish for still... I just am, I exist, I love my baby boy endlessly, and I am slowly shrinking... One day I'll dissapear completely.
That's what's been going on since last time. Not much, but everything."
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Have to stop reading!!
June 2, 2010
"Think I have to stop reading questions and discussions on Circle Of Mom's... I just get upset and want to give everyone looong answers (oh well, some just deserves a short "wtf grow up!!"). Or should I write my comments here maybe...?"
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Just another day...
September 11, 2010
"Where is it written in stone that once a couple have kids and live together all of the responsibilities of the household lands on the mother?
Please, enlighten me... I really need to know - so I can kick that stone to dust!!
Today, as an example, this is what happens...
Baby and I get up, somewhat late, and do what we always do - make tea, turn on a movie (either Footlose or Empire Records), and we slowly come to life. Then there is diaper change, breakfast, another diaper change, getting dressed, and some running around.
We woke up the boyfriend and waited for him to get dressed, and then off to the mall we went. After the mall father and son went home and I ran some quick errands downtown.
Nothing weird or bad so far, a pretty good day. But when I come home I see the son still have his shoes on, and clearly haven't got a new diaper yet. I deal with that. I see the bags from the mall spread out over the kitchen counter, I deal with that. I see stuff from a purse on the kitchen floor, I deal with that and find the purse. I make some coffee, get a migraine, I put out ant traps, gave our son some juice, and felt some panic about making dinner.
What does my partner do? He plays computer games online. Yes. He didn't even say Hi when I came home, didn't get up or greeted me at all. I felt invisible.
I asked, as I always do, if it was ok if I took a 30 minute nap and if he could wake me up. He says ok, and I go for my nap. Almost an hour later I wake up by myself and stumble downstairs, asking him why he didn't wake me up (not that I minded a longer nap, but still...). His answer? He didn't know what time it was when I went for the nap, so he didn't keep track of time. Ok, thanks... And I was wondering if the baby had his dinner while I was sleeping, since it was after 8 pm by now. No, no dinner for baby. Boyfriend wasn't thinking about it since we had a late lunch at the mall. I mumble that children do need 3 meals a day, plus snacks, even if we don't. So I deal with the dinner with a crying, tired, and very hungry baby running around. I keep him company while he's eating dinner, clean up after, and take a long sad look at the mountain of dishes in the kitchen. Then I deal with putting filters in the vents upstairs.
What does the boyfriend do? He plays computer games online. Yes. Still. Then he goes to get ready to go out and leaves. I am alone again with our wide awake son, and it is 9.30 pm. I am hungry, tired, and all the things that need to get done overwhelm me, again. The baby falls asleep, after a long and brave battle against the sleepyness, at 1.30 am. I decide to leave what should get done to tomorrow, I make some pasta, I have a coffee, I glance at Facebook. And I think to myself, why do I do this when it makes me so sad, makes me feel sick, gives me migraines?
Tomorrow will be a variation of this, every day is a variation of this. I deal with it, I wonder why, but I deal with all the stuff that happens every day.
I. deal. with. it.
Not we, I do it.
And I am close to being fed up with it. And when or if I get there, I will get up and leave the scene. I have to, for my health and for my sanity and for my son. I hope I have the guts to follow through, I hope I never have to find that out."
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October is S.I.D.S. awareness month
October 1, 2010
"As a mother I feel it urgent and necessary and overwhelmingly important to spread the information about S.I.D.S., Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Cannot imagine what it must be like to go through the sorrow and pain losing a child, I don't want to know!! Be aware of the risks, protect the little ones as much as possible. Love them endlessly. Hug and kiss them often!!"
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Wow... It's like finding a hidden diary you forgot you ever wrote. Pasting these last few blogs here I felt unsure if I really should share this, but I also think it's important to be real and authentic - and show you that you're not alone. Therefore I am sharing these blogs with you all, so you understand where I'm coming from and that...
You're not alone. Know this!
I feel like there's a lot more to unpack, analyze, and hopefully resolve than I can do here and now. I will definitely get back to it and write more about my experiences and life - past, present, and future. Can't say when, but I am working on myself these days so it's likely sometime soon.
Until then, and next time...
Stay safe!
/Annalogue75
