Peekaboo moments

A child screaming into a microphone (©Jason Rosewell, Unsplash™). A metafor for the frustrating feeling of knowing that I forgot something I really should remember - like people... 

I read an excellent article¹ recently that talked about the issue of poor object permanence, referred to as object constancy in the article, for neurodivergent people, and that's an issue I fight against daily so it interests me to find out more about how it works.

"I am notoriously forgetful when it comes to people. Yes, I have a response to write for a message from my best friend - since Octoberish... So sorry, C! I was surprised today to find my mom messaged me - I haven't thought of her for days, and wouldn't have if she didn't contact me." ²

I want to break this down real quick, but for those interested in a deeper look at this issue I recommend my Medium article about this topic. I will link this article here once it's out - please clap for it! Here it is!

It's important to understand that it's not a matter of knowing versus not knowing that a person (still) exists. Object permanence refers to the developmental stage where the baby finally understand that things and people exist even though they're not seen, heard, or felt by the baby. They're permanent. For many, or most, neurodivergent people like myself it is a matter of actually remember this permanent object or person.

"Out of sight - out of mind" is my reality.
I'm figuring out methods to make it easier to deal with, but haven't found one that doesn't involve other people to adapt to my needs.
Nothing wrong with that, but it's a bit embarrassing to admit I will forget someone's existence unless they keep in contact with me.
It also makes me feel very lonely - the emotional constancy is just as bad as the object one." ²

A representation of anxiety. Photos originally from Dreamstime™, original creator ©Katarzyna Bialasiewicz, compilation by unknown source.

Imagine your best friend from your childhood, the cashier in the corner store, or your family doctor. Those people aren't always present in your mind, you don't wonder how their days are going or if they slept well - their presence in your mind is brought on by a prompt of some kind or you wouldn't think of or remember them at all. However, your family members, partner, or friends are constantly there somewhere in your mind and you effortlessly think about them throughout a day. See the difference? Well, for me there's no difference.

I don't have that automatic recollection and presence in my mind of the people I care about. That's how lack of or a dysfunctional object permanence/constancy work - people just seemingly stop existing and there's not even a recollection of them... For me it usually takes four or so days without contact for this to happen, so it's not random or immediate, but it's difficult to handle nevertheless. Only them connecting, or external and very obvious prompts brings up their memory, but that isn't guaranteed. I've experienced it with my children when they're at summer camp - yes, I feel terrible about it - and it happens regularly with my mother and my friends. It makes one feel like a really bad person even though it's not something that's under consius control or helped by willpower.

Sadness, Loneliness, and Fear. Collage by ©Annalogue75, photos by ©Tinnakorn (Depositphotos™), ©boyloso (Adobe™), and ©RandyRMM (Pixaby™).

The constant companion to object permanence/constancy is the emotional equivalent. This emotional permanence means that you remember the emotions connected to a person, mostly about the emotions they show and give to you, how your friends like you and your partner love you for example. For me this means that even though I remember a person, because we stay connected daily, I don't always remember how they feel about me unless they remind me regularly. It sounds very confusing and unpleasant - and it is. I don't understand how it works myself. But I have to live it, and up until last summer I thought this was how relationships was for everyone. Life was actually easier when I assumed that.

I feel like I'm clingy, needy, whiny, and almost a stalker because I'm trying to stay in control over my dysfunctional object and emotional permanence. And I shouldn't feel that way.

The issue with emotional permanence, especially, is tightly connected with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and that is in turn one part of the Emotional Dysregulation that is such a big part of having ADHD. I will not get into that further here, but I wanted to mention it as object and emotional permanence are parts of a bigger picture, check my articles for more details.

So what is my advice to those that know and care about someone with ADHD and suffer from a dysfunctional object and emotional permanence? Let me put it like this...

If your friend is blind you'd help them navigate so they don't get hurt. If your partner is diabetic you'd look out for sugar and other ingredients that could harm them. So support someone with ADHD (me!) with remembering you and your emotions by reaching out, verbalize feelings, and keep the connection strong. That's all. Thanks!

Class dismissed! 😏

/Annalogue75 

———

¹) ADHD & Object Constancy - When 'Out of Sight' Really Means 'Out of Mind' by Nicola O'Brien

²) Quote from my post on LinkedIn 

Reality blind arrogance

Reality and fantasy can blend beautifully in art and dreams, but in reality they mostly become a dysfunctional mess.

When the coaches and lifestyle gurus start handing out advice on how to begin your morning, plan your meals, or exercise I automatically brace myself. I am sure it's all said with the best intentions, and a lot of it is basically sound and healthy advice - but damn it's annoying! And unrealistic..!

The 5 am club bullshit - yes, yes it's a great habit to get up early and get things done on a daily basis. But what early means is more if an individual interpretation, but for sake of argument lets assume it's around 5 am, this is what I hear them say...

So you jump up at the crack of stupid and you are supposed to first thing drink some raw pressed de-mineralized alkaline lemon/kale/selleri/whatever substance, do oil pulling while meditating, run twenty eleven laps around the block before doing a set of advanced Ashtanga yoga, and then some sexy time with your partner while taking a steam shower with essential oils, do a quick Mani Pedi, face yoga, full makeup with lashes and contouring, all while the organic hand-milled-by-singing-mennonites oatmeal is getting ready. After breakfast you journal, check your life goals sheet and add some insights from your lucid dreams to your therapeutic plan, check and reply to all emails in a friendly tone, before you do the morning breathing exercises and get your shoes on for the refreshing two hour walk to your job, and you'll always arrive five minutes before you start at 8 am, relaxed, focused, and full of great ideas.

Everyone should live like that... Right? I'm exhausted just thinking about it. But though it's exaggerated for the entertainment factor, it's a mix of actual advice on how a healthy adult should start their day, according to the lifestyle and health know-hows. Similar crazyness should go on for the lunch break, for after work but before the-after-work, before and at dinner time, and also add a complicated set of advanced life enhancing habits before your 9 pm bedtime...

Yeah, that's gonna be a NO from me dawg... I'm not buying it.

Photo ©Frederick M Brown and ©Getty Images, meme by ©memegenerator.net.

I've always questioned things and I never outgrew the "Why?!" phase (thanks ADHD!), so I've never bought into any if this. I don't usually take things for face value, and especially not when I'm being told it will cost me $19.99 per month or a fantastic (!) ONE TIME ONLY price of $129.99 for lifetime access!! It's bullshit. All of it.

It's really just a very effective business model that prey on our longing for healthy, stress free, organized lives and to feel beautiful, sexy, and attractive. If we also can slap our haters into submission - SOLD!!

The reality is, life is never going to be easy, organized, and all in your favor. And that's ok. You don't need to spend $$$ on fantasies when a good life was in your power to create all along. No, really, I mean it. It's literally in your hands right now.

First, activily choose a positive attitude every day.

Second, it's not about what happens to you but how you choose to deal with it that matters.

Take weight-loss for example. All these diets only work as long as you're on them and dedicate yourself to meticulously following them. But they suck..., life isn't very fun and you don't feel as good as you thought you would, you hit a plateau and get tired of the hassle, and then you gain back whatever you lost. Rinse and repeat? Or stop the madness?

Try this instead - get yourself informed about your body's basic functions, ask your favourite search engine about metabolism, hormones, sex and age differences, stress, and what proteins, carbohydrates, and fats really are. Then start counting calories - until you get a feel for portion sizes and food types, maybe for a couple of months - and consume LESS than you BURN. Add some exercise to it, walking is perfect, some weight lifting is great, or whatever you prefer. See the pounds drop - and you're not even sacrificing anything. Let there be cake to the people! It's allowed.

"Feel the freedom burn" by Annalogue75 © 2024 via Creative Fabrica Spark™

When you accept that there are no shortcuts, no magical potions, and stop listening to the fantasies those health gurus are trying to sell you (they can't afford that luxury yacht without your dedicated support you know...), then you'll be free to actually live. You'll see that everything turns out just fine with a bit of a positive attitude and a willingness to deal with life head on. And you'll start being annoyed by all the empty money grabs too, trust me.

Life is never easy but it's always worth it.

/Annalogue75 

Valentine's Day 2024

I was thinking long and hard about this post, wether I should do something for Valentine's Day or not. I was leaning towards just letting the day slide and unnoticed go by, what could I possibly write about it... But then I came across a poem I wrote, and then a few more, and I thought "Oh, what the hell, there are no coincidences, I clearly need to do something with this."

So I did, and here it is, the Valentine's Day blog post... 

I took this photo in downtown Kitchener (Ontario, Canada) in 2022, because they were so adorable and I had recently finished a video that has an older couple in it. I felt like I was meant to see them, to see it is possible and that this kind of love exists.

The following is the video I had crafted that also inspired the poem I wrote to go with the photo...

The source of the poem/quote in the video is unknown to me, the photos and video clips was found using Google™ and © belongs to original creator of each one, the compilation was made by Annalogue75 © 2022.

As those of you that have followed me on social media know, my poems are all over the place and when it comes to love poems I tend to write about heart ache and heart break, simply because it's easy, popular, and relatable. But there are exceptions, and those poems paint a different picture - perhaps they're more inspired by real life - than the sappy majority. Poems like this one, inspired by a prompt and first published on Instagram™ in 2023:

The following poems are all nut two based on prompts, but as with all creative work there are parts of myself and my life present in these creations. It is however you and your life that shapes your interpretations, and don't mistake that for getting to know me or understand me, keep that in mind...

First out is a prompted fiery dare from 2023.

These two were written from free inspiration, no prompts used (2022).

Written with tongue-in-cheek humor from a prompt in 2023.

Another prompted creation from 2023.

And finally a prompted poem written with a wink and a smile (2023).

I'm going to leave any impressions and interpretations up to the reader, I already know what was on my mind and the deeper meaning. If you want more I suggest you check out my blog on Medium™ or An Unauthorized View Of Everything on Substack™, you won't be disappointed.

🫶 Happy Valentine's Day! Stay safe. 🫶

/Annalogue75 

— Annalogue75 © All Rights Reserved —

A bucket full of holes

"Bottomless" by Annalogue75 © 2024 via Creative Fabrica Spark™

Did you know that there's a website where you can store all your wants and wishes in you own, personal virtual Bucket List?

I've never really bothered making my own Bucket List, for one very good reason - my mental health.

I feel very anxious seeing my wants and wishes listed, even just listing a few makes me sad. I feel sad knowing I can't do it all, if any, and I feel anxious about not listing or doing as many things as other's do. I also want to feel satisfied with the quality of the realizations, for example if I travel it needs to be the best trip ever, I want it perfect.

And this is really silly (stupid?!), I know that. But it doesn't help... I don't like it.

"Doing it all" by Annalogue75 © 2024 via Creative Fabrica Spark™

Instead of making a Bucket List over things that you want to do and accomplish I find the idea of a Reversed Bucket List much more appealing. There you list your accomplishments, wins, and things you've done. The idea behind this is to build momentum and feel more confident. I have started making my own, and if you Google™ it you can find many sources and templates for your own list, this one for example.

"Making life happen" by Annalogue75 © 2024 via Creative Fabrica Spark™

There's a number of other more or less good ideas about how to make lists like Bucket and Reversed Bucket lists. One said to list all your wants and then cross them out one by one, and relive yourself from the pressure of needing to accomplish things to feel valued. Another suggestion was to list things you didn't want to do and only check off something you successfully avoided or escaped doing.

The idea, as I understand it, is to make your visions, dreams, and goals more real, almost tangible, one way or another. And wether it is adding accomplishments to feel good or to check off a wish/dream to feel good, the point is to make you take action. Sometimes easy action, and other times uncomfortable action. 

As long as the needle moves we're alright.

/Annalogue75 

Trigger Points Of No Return

"Solitude" by Annalogue75 © Original 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™

Whenever I hear people talk about how strong this and that individual are because they faced whatever event alone I get goosebumps. The bad kind, that is. It just triggers me, that being alone is hailed as some kind of virtue, especially in the face of difficulty and struggles. Why would that be seen as a good thing? Humans are pack animals and thrive together with others, we need human contact and connections. To be a solitaire is an abnormality.

"In the end, all I learned was how to be stong alone."

In other contexts solitude is seen more as a type of loneliness and not necessarily as something all around good, but it's still not seen as a bad thing.

To be strong alone... Ugh, sounds like a nightmare to me. This idea about solitude reminds me of one of my favourite songs, "Solitude Standing" by Suzanne Vega, sometimes called The Introverts Anthem:

"Solitude stands in the doorway

And I'm struck once again by her black silhouette

By her long cool stare and her silence

I suddenly remember each time we've met

And she turns to me with her hand extended

Her palm is split with a flower with a flame

And she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"

And she says "I've come to lighten this dark heart"

And she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear

And I say "I've never thought of finding you here"

I turn to the crowd as they're watching

They're sitting all together in the dark in the warm

I wanted to be in there among them

I see how their eyes are gathered into one

And she turns to me with her hand extended

Her palm is split with a flower with a flame"

— Suzanne Vega - "Solitude Standing"¹ —

"Feeling it" by Annalogue75 © 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™

A component of embracing solitude can be the experiences of bad relationships or relational trauma, but also the reversed can be true and solitude is rejected due to the effects or outcomes, like cPTSD, of such relationships. Life is never cut and dry.

Relational trauma is per definition an experience or a set of experiences while complex-PTSD is defined as the outcome of having experienced relational trauma (among other things). Relational Trauma can lead to cPTSD, but doesn't always, and while the definition of what a traumatic event or experience really is or isn't differ in between individuals, this article gives a good idea about the differences, similarities, and relationship between RT and cPTSD. But a short summary is as follows.

Relational trauma is inherently tied to the dynamics of personal relationships, and the repeated exposure and reoccurrence within the relational trauma can give the individual a sense of perpetuity, that it's everlasting. It often involves multiple traumatic events and varied forms of abuse or neglect within a single relationship or across several relationships. Relational trauma survivors may struggle with issues like trust, self-esteem, self worth, and attachment issues.

Complex-PTSD is a result, a condition that often develops as a consequence of prolonged and repeated exposure to trauma, especially (but not necessarily always) of an interpersonal or relational nature. The WHOs International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11) now includes cPTSD under the general parent category of "Disorders specifically associated with stress."

Some of the effects of cPTSD are, but are not limited to, persistent beliefs about oneself as diminished, defeated, or worthless, accompanied by deep and pervasive feelings of shame, guilt, or failure related to the stressor. There are often persistent difficulties in sustaining relationships and feeling close to others, and the disturbance results in significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. It can lead to depression and difficulties dealing with affects, among other things.

"I'm fine" by Annalogue75 © 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™

One of my favorite graphic t-shirts say something like this

— I'm fine, it's fine, everything is fine —

I've always understood that as whatever is going on isn't fine, the person isn't fine, nothing is fine, and the quote is dripping with sarcasm. Loud sarcasm as a quiet call for help perhaps, though my go-to is humor. I joke around about the things that hurt and bothers me. It's a self-preservation tactic that has worked really well for me and I should start use it again more, when needed.

Speaking for myself, as that's the only perspective I can be sure of, I know that my fear and dislike of solitude and longing for belonging with others, or one other, is balanced with a sense of comfort and security in being by myself and anxiety and fear of groups of people or new people. It's a delicate balance, but I'm really good at it most of the time.

I see these conflicting needs and fears as results of a lifetime of interpersonal conflicts and traumas, layers upon layers that only recently have started to get unpacked and dealt with.

And I guess I want you to know that it's ok to not be perfect and ok, it's ok to not have an ideal childhood or adult relationships - you're not alone in having traumatic experiences, small or big - but you are still here. You survived it all, and so did I. We're pretty badass.

I may not be fine, it may not be fine, everything isn't really fine... And that's ok.

/Annalogue75

---

¹) "Solitude Standing"

Suzanne Vega 

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Anton Sanko / Marc Shulman / Michael Visceglia / Steve Ferrera / Suzanne Vega - 1986

Solitude Standing lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc