"Solitude" by Annalogue75 © Original 2023 via Creative Fabrica Spark™
Whenever I hear people talk about how strong this and that individual are because they faced whatever event alone I get goosebumps. The bad kind, that is. It just triggers me, that being alone is hailed as some kind of virtue, especially in the face of difficulty and struggles. Why would that be seen as a good thing? Humans are pack animals and thrive together with others, we need human contact and connections. To be a solitaire is an abnormality.
"In the end, all I learned was how to be stong alone."
In other contexts solitude is seen more as a type of loneliness and not necessarily as something all around good, but it's still not seen as a bad thing.
To be strong alone... Ugh, sounds like a nightmare to me. This idea about solitude reminds me of one of my favourite songs, "Solitude Standing" by Suzanne Vega, sometimes called The Introverts Anthem:
"Solitude stands in the doorway
And I'm struck once again by her black silhouette
By her long cool stare and her silence
I suddenly remember each time we've met
And she turns to me with her hand extended
Her palm is split with a flower with a flame
And she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"
And she says "I've come to lighten this dark heart"
And she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
And I say "I've never thought of finding you here"
I turn to the crowd as they're watching
They're sitting all together in the dark in the warm
I wanted to be in there among them
I see how their eyes are gathered into one
And she turns to me with her hand extended
Her palm is split with a flower with a flame"
— Suzanne Vega - "Solitude Standing"¹ —
A component of embracing solitude can be the experiences of bad relationships or relational trauma, but also the reversed can be true and solitude is rejected due to the effects or outcomes, like cPTSD, of such relationships. Life is never cut and dry.
Relational trauma is per definition an experience or a set of experiences while complex-PTSD is defined as the outcome of having experienced relational trauma (among other things). Relational Trauma can lead to cPTSD, but doesn't always, and while the definition of what a traumatic event or experience really is or isn't differ in between individuals, this article gives a good idea about the differences, similarities, and relationship between RT and cPTSD. But a short summary is as follows.
Relational trauma is inherently tied to the dynamics of personal relationships, and the repeated exposure and reoccurrence within the relational trauma can give the individual a sense of perpetuity, that it's everlasting. It often involves multiple traumatic events and varied forms of abuse or neglect within a single relationship or across several relationships. Relational trauma survivors may struggle with issues like trust, self-esteem, self worth, and attachment issues.
Complex-PTSD is a result, a condition that often develops as a consequence of prolonged and repeated exposure to trauma, especially (but not necessarily always) of an interpersonal or relational nature. The WHOs International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11) now includes cPTSD under the general parent category of "Disorders specifically associated with stress."
Some of the effects of cPTSD are, but are not limited to, persistent beliefs about oneself as diminished, defeated, or worthless, accompanied by deep and pervasive feelings of shame, guilt, or failure related to the stressor. There are often persistent difficulties in sustaining relationships and feeling close to others, and the disturbance results in significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. It can lead to depression and difficulties dealing with affects, among other things.
One of my favorite graphic t-shirts say something like this
— I'm fine, it's fine, everything is fine —
I've always understood that as whatever is going on isn't fine, the person isn't fine, nothing is fine, and the quote is dripping with sarcasm. Loud sarcasm as a quiet call for help perhaps, though my go-to is humor. I joke around about the things that hurt and bothers me. It's a self-preservation tactic that has worked really well for me and I should start use it again more, when needed.
Speaking for myself, as that's the only perspective I can be sure of, I know that my fear and dislike of solitude and longing for belonging with others, or one other, is balanced with a sense of comfort and security in being by myself and anxiety and fear of groups of people or new people. It's a delicate balance, but I'm really good at it most of the time.
I see these conflicting needs and fears as results of a lifetime of interpersonal conflicts and traumas, layers upon layers that only recently have started to get unpacked and dealt with.
And I guess I want you to know that it's ok to not be perfect and ok, it's ok to not have an ideal childhood or adult relationships - you're not alone in having traumatic experiences, small or big - but you are still here. You survived it all, and so did I. We're pretty badass.
I may not be fine, it may not be fine, everything isn't really fine... And that's ok.
/Annalogue75
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¹) "Solitude Standing"
Suzanne Vega
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Anton Sanko / Marc Shulman / Michael Visceglia / Steve Ferrera / Suzanne Vega - 1986
Solitude Standing lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc
